When I was 16, I woke up one morning with a fever and severe stomach pains. By that afternoon I was doubled over in pain and my mom had to rush me to the ER for testing. Eventually a doctor came in looking over a chart and abruptly asked “How long have you been pregnant?” I just stared blankly because I could not process what she was saying. I was halfway convinced she had the wrong room or the wrong chart because there was no way I could be pregnant. I had only had sex once; It was quick and confusing as most first times are and I swore he used protection. The doctor assured me that I was in fact pregnant and had a severe kidney infection that was causing me to go into early labor. That moment is where I believe I first began to disassociate . My mom wrapped me up in her arms and comforted me as best as she could. If it weren't for her immediate compassion and unwavering support tethering me to this life changing moment I truly felt like I would’ve left my body and floated away forever.

Becoming a mother was such an abrupt transition for me. I went from worrying about homework and passing my driver’s test to learning how to clean bottles and change diapers. My mother carried a lot of the burden and helped me transition from a child to a mother as best as she could. I was doing my best to be present and embrace this new role but in a lot of ways I was just going through the motions. Fact of the matter is I was actively in survival mode.I wouldn’t allow myself to fall apart or mourn my childhood because if I stopped to feel the weight of this transition, I would not be able to do what needed to be done. 

For many years I just kept pushing. I kept a good job and a roof over our head which felt like a major accomplishment in San Francisco. A lot of times I put my needs to the side and focused on providing the most stable environment possible but burnout and depression were always apart of my life. One day I found a talented nail artist named Kristen(IG: @SFNOMA). She created works of art unlike any I had ever seen and this form of creative expression really spoke to me. I needed to find a regular  form of self care and this seemed perfect. I patiently waited for her books to open and once I finally got an appointment I knew this was my thing!  I loved the process not only because of her ability to translate my ideas into nail art but also because of her presence and energy that was so affirming and joyful. During one of our appointments she mentioned that it would be hard for her to take any substantial time off because her books are so full and there was no one to take on her clients if she were to take leave. I jokingly replied “ You need to make another you to help you with that!” She said, “Yeah, I would love to but it would have to be the right person.” I responded shyly, “Do you think I could be the right person?” She exclaimed “Yes you would be perfect!” The seed was planted that day but it would take many months to grow and take root into my heart but once it did everything changed drastically. 

In about 4 months I completed nail school and was a licensed nail tech. I tailored my services to replicate my experience as a client. As time went on I found ways to couple nail care with mental health care. I helped clients who bite their nails and skin because of anxiety by giving them a safe space to vent and offering nail treatments and techniques that turned bad habits into healthy ones. I realized that through monthly appointments and specialized nail care that I could help my clients nails grow longer and stronger but also help them heal and feel less burdened by everyday stresses. I expanded both personally and professionally alongside my clients and as my skills grew so did our accomplishments. We celebrated wins, and mourned losses together. Lots of tears were shed from both sides of the table as we navigated the world hand in hand every month. I felt my spirit heal and expand as I realized I was accomplishing my wildest dreams of being a creative entrepreneur. 

Then March 2020 came. We had just celebrated my daughter’s 19th birthday and she was months away from graduating high school and preparing to leave for college. The next week Covid hit and everything shut down, my kid’s senior year disintegrated into a zoom meetings and my business was shut down for 6 months. It was like all of that trauma from the life changing moment I was told I was pregnant came rushing back. All those goals that we both had been working so hard for seemed so far away and shrouded in uncertainty. My relationships with my clients proved to be a saving grace. Many of them had continued to pay for their monthly manicures despite not actually getting a service. I started making press on nails to sell and was able to send my art around the country. Thankfully I maintained just enough income to get by. Most importantly I took the time to slow down and heal. I let myself celebrate the fact that I raised a beautiful, kind, and driven young adult who had a bright future ahead of her. I found a therapist and started my journey to healing my inner child so I could return to my beloved business bigger and better than ever. 

This past December I celebrated 5 years as a nail tech. I have my own private studio now and I continue to find healing through my ability to share my nail art and myself with others. I’ve learned that I must continue to uncover and embrace my trauma in order to heal and be able to hold space for my clients. We are all going through so much these days and finding joy in each other and self care practices, like getting our nails done, can be powerful mood changers. I’m grateful for this career and the way it changed my life and allowed me to share my heart and soul with the world.