I grew up in a very traditional Christian household where there was extreme limitation on the music we listened to, shows we were allowed to watch, and people our parents trusted us with. Due to being sheltered, my view of the world was significantly shaped by the church, the fear of God rather than the love of God, my parents' relationship, and what I was taught about how women and girls should behave in church. I was taught that men held the ultimate power and ability to make decisions in the world, that children should be seen and not heard, and that my opinions and feelings were irrelevant because I was a child. 

I also was never taught how to deal with emotion as my father often dismissed emotion and my mother made everything about God or praying away the feelings. My father also spoke to us and my mother overall in a way that I found dismissive, emotionally abusive, and scary at times. Watching my mother accept this abuse simply because my father was the breadwinner and a man caused me to overgeneralize and see things that are traditionally seen as feminine, emotion, caretaking, being taken care of, etc. as a weakness. My mother is so traditional that she doesn’t wear pants outside of the house, not even to check the mail. I hated wearing skirts growing up as I saw them as part of her weakness and dependence on my father. We compromised where I only had to wear skirts and dresses to church, but once I got out of their house I began wearing skirts less and less as a way to distance myself from her version of womanhood and to feel and look older and not like a little girl. I wanted to be perceived as older or at least my age because I felt that made me more attractive to men.

In college, particularly after I crossed AKA and revealed the attention that came with that, I distanced myself further and further from the confines of my upbringing. I still carried shame around sexuality and the idea of sex outside of marriage being sinful, but I also saw sex as love. And as someone without any idea of what it meant to love myself, opposite of self-sacrifice and begging my father to love me, the “love” I felt from sex was something I had never experienced before. In my first year of college I probably caught like 6 bodies, and I loved the freedom and also loved being wanted, desired, even if just for the sex. However, at my core, I still wanted real love. That desire reflected in all the poems I wrote and performed at Iota events, Black cultural showcases, and eventually graduation. 

However, being a free spirited, lover girl at heart, without any sense of boundaries comes at a price. When I was 22 I was sexually assaulted, at home, in my bed. One second I was falling asleep and the next, a dick was inside me. I didn’t fight him, I didn’t say anything, and I even walked him to his car the next morning. The first person I disclosed to told me that it was a big allegation and asked if I was sure. I was like ok bet, I’m not gonna tell nobody else cause clearly it's my fault and I’m going to feel worse when they don’t believe me. Although I had been catching bodies left and right in college, I had one cardinal rule. Never sleep with more than one man at a time so if you ever get pregnant or burned, there's no question. But after I was assaulted I went completely wild, one night stands, bringing guys home from the club, sleeping with people’s boyfriends, you name it. I felt like someone took my choice from me so I was gonna be in control and do what I wanted sexually whenever and with whoever. Thank God for loving and protecting me even in that darkness because who knows what those strange men could have done after knowing where I laid my head everyday. 

Today, I’ve become radically honest with myself, my triggers, and what areas still need work. Rather than limiting myself to being “self aware” without any changes in my behavior, I’ve begun a journey of self-acceptance. I think often people either blame themselves or completely avoid accountability for their actions. I try to live in the “and.” I do not blame myself for being assaulted or any other poor decision I've made with men, and I understand at a higher level why I am the way I am and have developed better boundaries.

In the future I hope my mental health is less influenced by other people. I hope that regardless of what anyone says, does, or does not do that it never changes how I feel about myself, even for a short period. I hope that I don’t let anyone rush my healing process and continue to listen to myself and choose myself.